Hometown: The Roch, MI (aka. The Crotch, aka. Crotchscratcher, aka. Crotchmolester, aka. Rochester)
Currently Living: Clawson, MI
Height: 5'8
Weight: Ha ha, yeah right
Favorite Color: Blue (preferably navy)
Profession: Researcher
Favorite Nickname: Trick, Sloan
Favorite Drinks:Vodka Tonic, Guinness, Diet Dr. Pepper, Dirty Martinis, red wine
Favorite TV Show: Friends, Sex & The City, Project Runway, The Amazing Race, Iron Chef America
Least Favorite TV Show: A Baby Story, I Love Lucy, Martha Stewart, Everybody Loves Raymond, every hour long drama
Favorite Books: The History of Love, Beloved, A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, Fight Club, A Prayer for Owen Meany, The of Being, SurUnbearable Lightness vivor, Empire Falls, The Corrections, The Bell Jar
Favorite Movies: Little Miss Sunshine, Anchorman, The 40 Year Old Virgin, Wordplay, American Beauty, Life is Beautiful, Amelie, Breakfast Club, Singin In The Rain, Sixteen Candles, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Sleeping Beauty, Dancer in the Dark, Duets, The Virgin Suicides, The Manchurian Candidate (1962), Austin Powers I, II & III, My Best Friends Wedding, Moulin Rouge, Tommy Boy, Billy Madison, The Shining, Gone With The Wind, Bridget Jones' Diary, Chicago, Love Actually
Guilty Pleasure Movies: Xanadu, Dirty Dancing, Overboard, Groundhog Day, Steel Magnolias, 10 Things I Hate About You, Bond movies, Footloose, Clue, Murder By Death, High Spirits, A Cinderella Story
What I Do Too Much: Check email, crossword puzzles, complain about my job to friends and family,
Obsessions: sushi, Indian food, ranch dressing, toenail polish, song lyrics, hands, awards shows, symmetry, avocados, maps, dreams, This American Life, the display in my car that tracks my MPG
Pet Peeves: loud eaters, slurping, gulping, arrogance, snoring, bad grammar, repetition, late mergers, ripping cardboard, the word "chunky", intolerance, couples in a restaurant sitting on the same side of a booth, pop-up ads, privacy manager, men that drive without shirts on, being foolish, unfairly jumping to conclusions, being made fun of, cat-calling, people who type too hard
Greatest Fear: crossing bridges
Relaxing Activites: late night drives to sing by myself, headstands, hot baths,
Wish I Was: Ansel Adams, Jenifer Aniston, in love, living alone
Prized Possessions: ring from my grandparents, flower pot of my Grandma's, electric blanket (temporarily broken), tongue scraper, my bed
Craziest Thing Ever Done: getting a tattoo, strip Jenga
Things I Eventually Want To Do: skydive, buy a guitar, learn how to play the aforementioned guitar, take flying lessons, travel to France, write a novel, learn how to play the harp, tap dancing lessons, run a marathon
Friday, February 09, 2007 Master and servants....I am about to make a good case for bringing Handi-Wipes with you when you go to a bar. You never know what may have previously been sitting on that bar stool....
Last Saturday, Suz and I went to see the boy perform at the Erotic Poetry and Music festival. (Note: The boy does not necessarily perform erotic music. Or poetry for that matter. But I think there was the word "loin" in one of their songs). Which was at a pretty cool bar in Detroit. The evenings' poets started off pretty good. Actually very sexy and, not too surprisingly, erotic. However, as the evening wore on, the poets got rather interesting. Think like a 50+ woman dominatrix in some kind of corset get-up with the most awesome mullet I've ever seen in real life. And then there was this couple. The girl at one point derobed and was wearing some kind of sheer thong outfit and was being whipped while the guy recited the poetry (yes, this was my Saturday night). And it could have been hot, if the couple weren't the kind of people you'd see at the Renaissance Festival.
So once done performing, they sat back down at their table and watched the rest of the poets (at this point it was mostly semi-intoxicated guys getting up there half-yelling rather vulgar things that were being paraded as poetry). And for the duration of the evening, the derobed girl, sat politely on her bar stool in her thong outfit, bare-assed cheeks on pleather. And there was a significant amount of ass fondling by the boy while she sat there. I couldn't help thinking that I wished I had some hand sanitizer or something and thought back on all the hundreds of bar stools I've sat on over the years and never thought a thing about it. Surely only other clothed asses had sat there before me. Why would I have any reason to think otherwise?? Well, now I do.
I suppose that I should use that event as a prep for tonight, where we will be going to see the boy perform at The Dirty Show, a rather legendary erotic art exhibition here in Detroit. And yes, I know I said that the boy isn't necessarily an erotic musician, but he is a performance artist, and has a piece that he's doing tonight. Which, from what I hear, involves a blow-up doll. But the evening should be interesting. I'm sure that if I'm wearing anything more than fishnets and electrical tape I may feel overdressed, and based on the photos on their website from previous years, I should expect to see lots of penises.
On that note, I'll be sure to report back to you, in all of its anticipated naughtiness. Have a good weekend.
Smooches.
BTW. We had the 4th annual family bowling fest on Sunday. Needless to say, I did not win the trophy (even with my respectable-for-a-girl, 108). The trophy even went to a non-family member. Now we all have one year to practice our asses off and reclaim it to its rightful lineage.
9:08 AM
I may be skinny at times but I'm fat full of rhymes....In the tradition of honest intentions and well-meaning resolutions, I'm going strong on my "ToDo" list. This was actually a list that originated while Suz and I were in Florida visiting the folks (what's that you say? You were gone on vacation for a week in the past month?). Suzy, throughout the week mentioned at least 2-3 dozen things that "she was going to do when she got home" (research organic vegetables, make mom a jewelery box, make an inspiration wall and on and on). So while sitting in the airport waiting for our 1.5 hour delayed plane (and avoiding talking about Hillary running for president with the guy who was eavesdropping on us and hopped into our conversation), we actually wrote it all down to hold ourselves accountable. Things included on my list include ("Redundancy Department of Redundancy"):
~ Start taking vitamins. ~ Make all of the pictures on my computer my slideshow screensaver (I would highly recommend this as a ToDo for anyone. You'd be amazed how gratifying staring at your screensaver can be when it's not a bunch of random intertwining pipes, a marquee message, or trip through outer space. Plus you can actually put to good use all of those digital photos you took but never look at!). ~ Whiten my teeth. ~ Switch to sea salt. ~ Drink green tea every day. ~ Count every calorie that I eat on a daily basis (I keep that one crossed off for now. I've been good for the last two weeks. They say that you need to do something for three weeks for it to become a habit. Whoever the hell "they" are. And "they" must also know how g-damn hard it is to eat less than 2,000 calories per day). ~ Clean out car. ~ Spill entire bottle of wiper fluid in my trunk for the second time since I've owned the car. ~ Get new car. ~ Go see movies nominated for Oscars with Suz (Babel, Little Miss Sunshine, The Devil Wears Prada, The Queen). You may note that I changed my "Go Rent This Now" to Little Miss Sunshine. Because I mean it. Do it. Stop reading this shit. Go rent it. Or buy it. Or Pay-Per-View it. Or Netflix it. Just do it. Now. ~ Listen to all 2,905 songs in my iTunes. Ok, so I'm getting there. But I add stuff faster than I listen to it. You may have also noted the new CD of the Month selection over there too. Just when it looked as though we were all going to be throwing in the towel, Dave comes through! Had you been in my kitchen when I got the mail, you would have heard my "FUCK YEAH!" pealing out through the rafters. ~ Book my flight/hotel for conference in San Francisco. ~ Buy new shoes. ~ Buy new pants to go with new shoes. ~ Start working out right arm for family bowling outing on Sunday. ~ Smack talking for family bowling outing ~ Find bitchin circa 1980 bowling shirt for family bowling outing. ~ Clean shower ~ Leave bleach-laden footprint on green bathroom carpet from cleaning shower ~ Finish carefully editing blog ~ Find a scheduled time to write blog on regular basis
Ok. That's about all for now. I was going to add a bunch about work and school, but I've decided "That's all I've got to say about that." I'm going to do my best to avoid talking/complaining about work stuff for multiple reasons. Unless of course it includes naked old men or guys that drop trou to go to the bathroom right next to the parking structure. Those I'll be sure to keep-a-coming.
Come to think about it, no random passerby has told me to smile in a very long time. Could it be that I seem to actually look happy lately? What the hell is up with that?
8:02 PM
